pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
