I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize