I can text with my tongue
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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