I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
