It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
