If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
