I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize