I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
