Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
