It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
