respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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