I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
