Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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