Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
