i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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