Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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