her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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