Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
