i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
