There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
