I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize