You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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