At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My orgasm happened in two different decades
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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