The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
