you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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