I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
