Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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