She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
