Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
