Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
