I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
