seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My breasts were aching with rage.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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