Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My vagina is very pro this idea
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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