he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
