nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize