Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
