kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
