Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
