so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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