i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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