Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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