Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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