just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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