how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
