Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
