i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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