OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
