Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
