Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
