Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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