We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
i now understand why vodka
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
