if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
