this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
