I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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