There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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