she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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